Freshly appointed Catholic Cardinal Timothy Dolan returned to NYC Sunday from his festive ordination ceremony in Rome with a giant jolly grin, giggling with gaiety over the inexplicable amount of media attention he’s received.
The anti-gay, anti-women’s rights, anti-civil liberties, anti-live-the-way-you-deem-fit obsolete relic of antidiluvian Catholic protocol, is now setting down his priorities with a limp, albeit iron fist, including the importance of traditional heterosexual marriage—something he has absolutely no experience with. The red-beanie-wearing Dolan lisped to the masses that local bishops need to have a more effective pastoral message on marriage, because so many Roman Catholics are either not marrying or are divorcing: “We’ve got to be better heralds, trumpeters, about what beautiful life-giving life-long marriage is,” he said.
Dolan did not mention whether he intends to address his own rabidly ungodly obsession with food, after sucking up hundreds of thousands of calories at the banquet table, eating like a herd of hippos while in Italy. Upon his return, Dolan’s new cardinal’s ring was so tight around his chubby finger that when reporters asked to take a closer look, he could not remove it to show the inscription inside. Perhaps Dolan should focus less on heralding the buffet spread. *